I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
