dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
