i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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