you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
