Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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