my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
