im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
