I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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