you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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