i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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