you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
