im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
