my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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