I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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