my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if only i could text you this smell
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
