The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
