I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
