I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I need a beard to bite.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
is it fun? or sober?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
