i jhust puked up my retainher.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Come see our sink grown plant.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
