I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
