did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I am midnight drunk by noon
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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