I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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