His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
