Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
