clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
