there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
