i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
