she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
