Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
the day after is always just damage control
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
