This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
