foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
