Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
