this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
