one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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