I cannot find my penis.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
