What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
They are going to name an STD after you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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