I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
