Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
