Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
