Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
