I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
