I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
