dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
