If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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