i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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