im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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