The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
