All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
