Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
