the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
