Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
