She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
