So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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