woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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