Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
is that a dick in a sweater?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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