he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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