just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
