I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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