I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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