Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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