i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
